rh@mit-eddie.UUCP (Randy Haskins) (02/28/84)
When I've comtemplated suicide recently, I think more than
depression I've felt boredom. (Note that this is for very low
values of "contemplate," i.e, never even to the planning stage.)
The boredom may or may not be related to the feeling of lonliness
of not having a lover (somewhere on earth). I spent most of
college in love with/planning on marrying someone back home,
then after that broke up (end of junior year) I started going out
with someone else for 1-1/2 years. Part of the feeling of boredom
stems from the fact that I started losing interest in having
sex with this person. There is the fact, however, that all we
really had in common were our sexual appetites. ("They had one
thing in common, they were good in bed...")
The big problem is that I don't forsee doing anything with
my life. I might end up getting my B.S. degree in December
(1-1/2 or so late, I didn't really want to get it on time that
much anyway.) The BS is in EE, not CS, not that that's a
big deal. I know I don't want to work for the defense
department in any way. I don't particularly want to be an
engineer for some corporate pig. What I'm doing now (whatever
that is) is okay, but it's not terribly exciting. I don't
think I want kids, I may not even want to get married, I'm
not sure if I want to stay married to one person for the rest
of my life, I'm not sure if there's any job I'd like to do
at all, I've taken just about enough of just about all of
the drugs I've ever wanted to take (including some pretty
serious ones), I've tried most of the "sexual variations" I
want to try, I don't basically get much out of being with
my relatives, most people just annoy me (mostly due to their
incredible lack of depth or their unbelievable selfishness)...
... you probably get the picture. It's probably things like
this that cause people to commit suicide. If any of you out
there like me, there's no real cause for concern. I don't
think I could ever really kill myself simply because I will
first look at all the people around me who don't kill themselves
and immediately realize that I'm worth much more as a human
being than they are. Also, I do have fun from time to time.
It's just fighting through the hassles and annoyances to get
to the fun that gets me down. Maybe I'm just experiencing
adulthood; maybe adulthood is about getting bored with doing
radical things (like wanton sex and drugs). I know someone
who I used to hang out with (about 4 years older) who tried to
off himself sometime last year. He was about 26 and married
about 3-4 years. My conjecture is that he was rebelling
against becoming an adult (I outgrew him when I went to college,
he was still basically acting 17-18 then...). He seems to
be okay now, except for the fact that he and his wife are
expecting....
Well, I'm getting disconnected, and the backup I'm doing is
almost done.... but think about these things.
--
Randwulf (Randy Haskins); Path= genrad!mit-eddie!rh