okamoto@ucbvax.ARPA (Jeff Okamoto) (03/29/85)
The following is something that I and some friends of mine have come up with. It is in the vein of "Real Men do this, that, and the other". Other categories include Real Role-Players, Loonies, and Munchkins (those annoying little kids). While this might belong better in net.games.frp, I think that it should be enjoyed by all who read net.games. So, here it is: Favorite FRPG: Real Men play AD&D Real Role-Players play RuneQuest Loonies play a variant Spawn of Fashan Munchkins play anything by TSR Favorite SFRPG: Real Men play Star Trek: The Role-Playing Game Real Role-Players play Space Opera Loonies play a very variant Spawn of Fashan Muchkins play anything by TSR Favorite 1920's RPG: Real men play Gangbusters Real Role-players play Call of Cthulhu Loonies play an extremely variant Spawn of Fashan Munchkins play anything by TSR Favorite SHRPG: Real Men play Champions Real Role-Players play Superworld Loonies play an unrecognizably variant Spawn of Fashan Munchkins play anything by TSR Favorite Magazine: Real Men read The Dragon Real Role-Players read Different Worlds Loonies read comic books Munchkins read anything by TSR Favorite Dungeon Activity Real Men fight Red Dragons Real Role-Players bluff the Ogres Loonies tell dirty jokes to Green Slime Munchkins do whatever gives the most experience Favorite Melee Weapon: Real Men use Broadswords/Bastard Swords Real Role-Players use Rapiers Loonies use Stage Knives Munchkins use whatever gives the most plusses Favorite Thrown Weapon: Real Men throw Spears/Javelins Real Role-Players throw Bolas Loonies throw their friends Munchkins throw whatever gives the most plusses Favorite Missile Weapon: Real Men shoot Long Bows/Composite Bows Real Role-Players shoot Crossbows Loonies shoot Twinkie Bazookas Munchkins shoot whatever gives the most plusses Favorite Science Fiction Weapon: Real Men use Laser Pistols/Blasters/Light Sabers Real Role-Players use Stun Guns Loonies use Thermonuclear Hand Grenades Muchkins use whatever gives the most plusses Favorite Spell: Real Men throw Fireballs Real Role-Players throw Hold Person Loonies throw magic items Muchkins throw Smite Ruler/Transfer Loyalty of Populace Favorite Alignment: Real Men are Lawful Neutral Real Role-Players are Chaotic Good Loonies are Amoral Silly Munchkins are whatever gives the most plusses Favorite Religious-type Character: Real Men play Paladins Real Role-Players play Clerics Loonies play Archpope Munchkins play Demigods Favorite Non-human as a PC: Real Men play Dwarfs Real Role-Players play Half-elfs Loonies play a Dwarf-Elf halfbreed Munchkins play whatever gives the most plusses Favorite Undead to Summon: Real Men summon Ghosts Real Role-Players summon Wraiths Loonies send in a troll with a sheet Muchkins summon Cerberus Favorite Way of Extracting Information from the Goblins: Real Men torture them Real Role-Players cast Legend Lore Loonies tell puns to them Munchkins peek behind the GM's shield Favorite Demon/Devil: Real Men like Asmodeus Real Role-Players like Demogorgon Loonies like Spiro Agnew Muchkins like Satan's grandfather Favorite God: Real Men worship Humakt Real Role-Players worship Issaries Loonies worship Hare Krishna Munchkins worship whoever gives the most plusses Favorite Magic Item: Real Men love Adamantine Claws Real Role-Players love Repulsor Rays Loonies love Radioactive Teeth Muchkins love Uru's Hammer Favorite Potion: Real Men drink potions of Superheroism Real Role-Players drink potions of Animal/Plant Control Loonies drink potions of Jell-O Munchkins drink potions of Deity Control Favorite Ring: Real Men wear rings of Elemental Control Real Role-Players wear rings of Free Action Loonies wear rings of Smurf Control Munchkins wear rings of Infinite Wishes Favorite Stick (ie, Rod/Staff/Wand): Real Men wield staves of Striking Real Role-Players wield staves of Healing Loonies wield staves of styrofoam Munchkins wield staves of Deity Power Favorite NPC: Real Men like Tarl Cabot Real Role-Players like Medea Loonies like Doctor Who Munchkins like Darth Vader Favorite Familiar-type Real Men have Black Cats Real Role-Players have Owls Loonies have Snails Munchkins have whatever gives the most plusses/Ancient Red Dragons Favorite Elf-type: Real Men like the Pini's elves Real Role-Players like Tolkien's elves Loonies like Santa's elves Munchkins like Storm Giants with pointed ears Favorite Dwarf-type: Real Men like Tolkien's Dwarfs Real Role-Players like Glorantha's Dwarfs Loonies like the Seven Dwarfs Munchkins like Earth Elementals with beards Favorite Superhero: Real Men like Wolverine Real Role-Players like The Spirit Loonies like Obnoxio Munchkins like Galactus Favorite Actor: Real Men like John Wayne Real Role-Players like Claus Kinski Loonies like Curly Munchkins watch Saturday-morning cartoons Favorite Actress: Real Men like Racquel Welch Real Role-Players like Adrienne Barbeau Loonies like Phyllis Diller Muchkins are far too young to know about Sex Favorite Method of Space Travel Real Men use Hyperspace/Warp Drive Real Role-Players use suspended animation Loonies use the Infinite Improbability Drive Muchkins push the button and it goes Favorite Convention Activity: Real Men "Do the Dealer's Room" Real Role-Players go to the seminars Loonies play video games Munchkins run and shout and cut in lines If you can think of any more, send them to: ..!ucbvax!okamoto okamoto%miro@Berkeley.arpa
stassen@spp2.UUCP (Chris Stassen) (04/01/85)
In article <5883@ucbvax.ARPA> okamoto@ucbvax.ARPA (Jeff Okamoto) writes: >Favorite FRPG: > Real Men play AD&D > Real Role-Players play RuneQuest > Loonies play a variant Spawn of Fashan > Munchkins play anything by TSR Therefore, given that: (1) Real men play AD&D (2) Munchkins play anything by TSR *and* (3) AD&D is a TSR game We can deduce that "Real Men are munchkins", something that we have probably known all along. -- Chris
brian@digi-g.UUCP (Merlyn Leroy) (04/03/85)
<submitted for your approval>
I have nothing to do right now, so, in the same vein....
Traps:
Real Men aren't afraid of traps
Real Role-players search for traps
Loonies use rings of detect traps so they can jump into them on purpose
Munchkins fall into traps and forget to map them, so on the way back...
Armor:
Real Men wear plate armor
Real Role-players wear Dwarven chainmail
Loonies wear horse barding
Munchkins wear +10 rustproof plate armor and seven layers of magic cloaks
Helmets:
Real Men wear ordinary helmets
Real Role-players wear helms of telepathy
Loonies wear helms of blindness in case they run into a basilisk
Munchkins wear two (more plusses that way)
Boots:
Real Men wear Boots of Stomping
Real Role-players wear Boots of Stealth
Loonies wear Boots of Happy Feet
Munchkins wear ruby slippers
Gloves/Gauntlets:
Real Men fight barehanded
Real Role-players wear Gauntlets of Ogre Power
Loonies wear Glove of Michael Jackson Charisma
Munchkins wear gloves that still let them put rings on & off
Shields:
Real Men don't use shields (can't use two-handers)
Real Role-players use large shields
Loonies use panty shields
Munchkins don't get the previous joke
Favorite battle story:
Real Men: "There I was, surrounded by orcs! I slice into the closest
one with my two-hander and try to back my way to the door..."
Real Role-players: "There we were, surrounded by Ogres! The two fighters
get back-to-back and start swinging, I sleep the closest one, and the
thief/archer climbs a tree and gets his bow out..."
Loonies: "There we were, surrounded by mutant lobsters! Fred throws a
Circle of Fire spell, I summon a Water Elemental, Curly gets out the
nutcrackers, and Frobozz wishes for a vat of melted butter..."
Munchkins: "There I was, surrounded by ancient red dragons..."
------------
Merlyn Leroy
"...a dimension between shallow and substance, between science and
superficial, a place we call...The Usenet Zone"bifrost@reed.UUCP (Alan Schmidt) (04/05/85)
> >Favorite FRPG: > > Real Men play AD&D > > Real Role-Players play RuneQuest > > Loonies play a variant Spawn of Fashan > > Munchkins play anything by TSR > > Therefore, given that: > > (1) Real men play AD&D > (2) Munchkins play anything by TSR > *and* (3) AD&D is a TSR game > > We can deduce that "Real Men are munchkins", something that > we have probably known all along. Nope, we can't. Since AD&D isn't ANY game, but a PARTICULAR game by TSR, all we can conclude is that someone playing AD&D is either a real man (sic) or a Munchkin (not quite as grotesque, but still sic). If a group played AD&D and then another game by TSR, then we could conclude that they're Munchkins, since real men ONLY play AD&D. Heimdall [a.k.a. Alan Schmidt] ..tektronix!reed!bifrost