twiss@stolaf.UUCP (Thomas S. Twiss) (04/20/84)
The Adventures of Captain Marlowe Toxin
Installment #2: Perilous Perils, or I'd hate to be food for
thought.
Sailing was good for Captain Marlowe and the crew of the
Morning Breeze. At the end of the first week they had nearly
finished step one of their journey. After leaving the bay of
Gildterdil, they had sailed north without mishap--save an
unfortunate incident in which a barrel of salt-pork was spilled
by Fluppenstimme. While attempting to tuck his beard into his
belt, he had deftly and daftly undone his trousers, which fell
around his ankles and tripped him. Trying to catch his balance,
he stumbled full kilt into the barrel, delivering some of its
contents onto the ship's deck, the rest into the sea. His
action was quickly rewarded by a thorough shampoo and facial
treatment in sudsy water, complements of the crew, followed by a
unique scalp massage in which he was held upside down by his
ankles and swept back and forth across the ship's deck.
Afterwards, while rubbing his newly-acquired bald spot he
exclaimed, "Weel, at leatht we haf uh goot ekthcooth to go
fithingk!" He would have been the first bait if fish could stand
the taste of dwarfmeat.
But, as it was, things were going pretty well for the
adventurers. Marlowe sat on the deck, sunning, while the summer
sea splashed saltily at the ship's sides. "Sounds super, eh
Sandaken?"
"Surely, sir! Should say, haven't seen such a sunny summer
since sixty-six!"
"Sam and Siguurd said the salmon seems sorta sticky. You
say the same, Sandaken?"
"Sorry tuh say, sir, sure do. Since Saturday Karl served
six sticky salmon."
"See that Karl's not saved those salmon; they're spoiled.
Say to stick them somewhere's safe from searchin.' 'Suppose we
should save 'em 'stin case we start to starve."
"Sure, sir!" said Sandaken as he went below to speak with
Karl.
"Thay, thir, that wuth thorta thwift how you guyth thed all
that thtuff with etheth!"
"Thut up, runt," said Marlowe as he developed a mild
headache.
2
Suddenly, Tok called from the crow's nest: "Land! I see
land!"
Soon, all the men were on deck and the whole ship was
aroused.
"Hey, Porky (which was now Fluppenstimme's permanent
nickname), hand me the eyeglass," said Marlowe.
Fluppenstimme passed him a long metal tube with a glass at
each end. Marlowe placed one end at his eye and looked through.
Sure enough, straight ahead and slightly to port he could see a
patch of dark green on what looked to be the side of a distant
mountain. He described the sight to Fluppenstimme.
"Ahh," said Fluppenstimme. "That mutht be Mount Brethk!
Our firtht peril ith now approachingk. My father thed that in
the vater der would be a great beatht." Fluppenstimme
exaggerated the words 'great beatht,' and as he said them
extended his hands towards Marlowe and wriggled his fingers. The
Captain recoiled in fear and disgust.
"Sandaken!" he yelled out. "Come over here!"
Sandaken left his post at the front of the boat with his men
and ran back to Captain Marlowe's sundeck. "Yes, sir?"
"Tell the men to ready their spears--there may be trouble in
these waters. And tell Pelegor to come here and see me. That is
all."
"Yes, sir!" barked Sandaken, and ran off to follow his
orders.
While Sandaken was handing out spears and Marlowe and
Pelegor were discussing possible methods of destroying the
beastie, Tok noticed a peculiar disturbance in the water directly
in front of the ship. "Captain Marlowe!" he cried. "Better take
a look up ahead. Sumthin' fishy's going on."
"No jokes, Tok!" hollered Pelegor.
Marlowe grabbed Pelegor's arm and was about to say,
"Pelegor, come up here with me to the front of the ship and tell
me what you think we can do about this peculiar disturbance in
the water directly in front of the ship," but he didn't get the
words out; the ship was jolted suddenly from underneath.
"Eeeeek!" cried Tok.
"What the hell..." muttered Marlowe.
"Steady, men!" yelled Sandaken.
3
"Get down here, Tok!" screamed Pelegor.
"Thit," said Fluppenstimme.
Then, it was over. Silence.
"O.K., men, stay calm!" barked Marlowe. "Pelegor and I have
everything under control." As he said this he grabbed Pelegor by
the arm and hurried to the bow. Tok and Fluppenstimme followed.
When they reached the front of the ship, Marlowe said, "O.K.,
Porky, what do you know about this thing?"
"Nuthin'," he replied. "Jutht thet it'th thum thort of thea
monthter, und thet it ken talk."
"It talks?" said Marlowe. "Wow! How do we get it to do
that?"
"JUSSST ASSSK MEEE," said a big voice.
And a huge head emerged from the water in front of the ship.
It was dark green, had two large black eyes, scales, and two
little holes on each side of its head. It was as big as a house,
and obviously capable of making a light snack-treat out of any
one of the crew.
"WELLLL, SSSAY SSSOMTHING!" said the giant head.
"Uh, very pleased to, uh, meet you, ss-sir," squeaked
Marlowe.
"Yeth, it'th nithe to thee you, thir," said Fluppenstimme.
"Yes, very pleased and nice to meet you, your gracious
goodness," said Tok.
Meanwhile, Pelegor was sneaking around to the rear of the
ship. He had a scheme in mind.
"YOU BORE MEEE," said the head, "AND I HAVEN'T EATEN FOR
QUITE A WHILE!"
And, as he opened his mouth and everyone had an uncontrolled
bowel movement, a deep-voiced giggle was heard from around the
side of the ship. The huge mouth stopped and the head turned
towards the sound.
"HI, CUTIE!" said a big voice.
Everyone turned and saw another head, just like the one in
front of the ship, except this one had eyelashes. Marlowe stared
in wonder and amazement until he saw the small "P" rune on the
other beastie's neck just below the head.
4
"HEY YOU BIG LOVE-MACHINE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY
OVER THERE?" said the eyelash-beastie in an attractive rumble.
"JUST GETTING US SOME LUNCH," said the first beastie.
"AW, I'M NOT REALLY HUNGRY. WHY DON'T WE WORK UP AN
APPETITE FIRST, THEN EAT?" said the second, and batted its
eyelashes.
A large globule of saliva dripped from the first beastie's
mouth and splashed into the ocean. Its eyes crossed, it breathed
smoke, then shot after the eyelash-beastie at full speed--but not
quite as fast as the other fled.
"OH, PLEASE! DOAN PLAY GAMES WHIZH MOI," said the first
beastie in an obnoxiously forced French accent. Soon the
creatures had raced out of sight.
"I'd suggest that we make for shore as fast as possible,"
said Tok. "Pelegor may not be able hold off that thing for
long."
"Alright," said Marlowe as he recovered from shock.
Soon the schooner was going as fast as it could towards the
mountain which Marlowe had seen through the glass. It was much
closer now and loomed over them like an oncoming storm. The
mountain's peak was capped with ice and snow. It was rocky and
steep. All around it lie dense forest and water.
"There's no way we can climb that thing," said Marlowe to
Fluppenstimme as they approached the great mass of rock. "And
I'm willing to bet we couldn't even get around it through that
jungle."
"We don't haf to, thir," said Fluppenstimme. "There ith an
anthient dwarfen pathege through the mountain. Remember, Ee
told you that'th where we get the Golden Rule."
"Yeah, but I thought dwarven mines were only moderately deep
with limited access. Are you sure there could be a tunnel all
the way through that mountain?"
"Yeth. Dwarfth create thuch thtructherth very freqvently.
We eat rockth." He smiled and exposed a toothless oral cavity.
"Well, Porky, I hope you're right."
Just then a man called out: "Captain, I think I see a spot
where we can anchor the ship."
"O.K., men, go to it," said the Captain.
5
The ship was maneuvered into a small inlet where it would be
safe from high winds and sea while the men were gone. Hopefully
the water here was shallow enough to discourage the sea-beastie
from coming in. The ship was anchored and the men began to pack
what was to be taken onto the island, securing down the rest.
After several hours a large yellow bird landed on the ship
and turned into Pelegor. Captain Marlowe ran over to him
immediately.
"Are you all right? Where is the sea-beastie?"
"I am exhausted and the beastie is many miles from here,"
said the Sorceror. "We must move quickly, though. It would be
wise to camp on shore this evening."
And so the men began to scurry about, preparing for their
long excursion underground. Soon the last of the supplies were
on the shore. Most of the crew had gone to set up the camp, and
only Marlowe, Fluppenstimme, Sandaken, and Karl were left on
board. The ship seemed very quiet, almost eerie in the dusky
light of the setting sun.
"Well, let's get out of here. Hopefully nothing will happen
to her before we get back." Marlowe said this as he scrutinized
the ship's deck. "You guys see anything we missed?"
"No, I think we got everything," the other three chorused in
unison.
"O.K., then, let's go!" said Marlowe.
But before they did anything else, they heard a deep,
melodious voice say: "Gentlemen, what's your hurry?"
The voice wove a spell around them. They were caught in a
frozen instant of time. A warm sea breeze blew the hair back
from their faces. The sky was rich with color in the sunset, and
they could see white foam on the sandy beach. The distant voices
of the men ashore hummed and lulled them deeper into the trance.
"Who are you?" murmered the Captain.
"Come to the side of the ship and see!"
The four started to move slowly towards the side of the
ship. Suddenly, Fluppenstimme was alerted by a voice from deep
within his mind. It was his father's: "But vot evher you do,
bevare oaf dee Callingk Coral. It ees a rare creature vich loors
you into eets clutchess, den forces you to eat sea food until you
are fery fett. Den eet peels off your toenails und fingkernails
und eats you raw."
6
Fluppenstimme shuddered, then saw his friends climbing over
the side of the ship. "Thtop, you guyth!!!" he cried, running to
their aid. But before he could get there Marlowe and Sandaken
had already jumped.
"Thtop!!" he yelled as he grabbed Karl's arm.
Karl turned to him with an angry look--unlike Karl. Then,
slowly, his expression changed to one of recognition and he
smiled at Fluppenstimme. "Gee, thanks Porky, you saved my life!"
he said.
"Ther, but look at the Coptaine und Thandaken!" he cried in
despair.
They looked down at the two who were already eating shrimp
scampy and oysters Rockefeller. They had an attractive table-
setting with two candles and fine silverware. A young sea nymph
was bringing them each a glass of chablis.
"Oh God! What can we do?" screamed Karl in horror.
"Vell, the only thingk Ee know to do to break the spell ith
to feed them thome better food than they're eating," said
Fluppenstimme. Then he looked at Karl and began to cry.
"Hey now, don' you fret, little runt! I'll whip them up the
best meal they ever had before you can say Hambuger Helper!" and
off he ran to the poop deck and down into the galley. Fluppen-
stimme sat on the deck weeping.
Several minutes went by and Fluppenstimme could already see
the beginnings of a bulging belly developing on Captain Marlowe--
who, incidentally, could eat much faster than Sandaken could ever
hope to. They seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely.
Meanwhile, the coral bed around them seemed to grow eyes which
stared hungrily at the two diners. Fluppenstimme shivered with
fear. Then he heard an incredible belching noise from within the
ship. Soon, an acrid odor and a green cloud of gas seeped up
between the planks. Karl emerged from below carrying a large
pot, singing loudly and out of tune the way he always did while
cooking.
"All ready!" he yelled proudly, but Fluppenstimme lay on the
deck, gagging from the toxic green fumes. "Awww, come on runt!
This is my specialty dish. It's called salmon souflette!"
Fluppenstimme stirred and tried to say something, but collapsed.
Karl stepped over his prostrate body and leaned out above the two
men who were feasting in the coral below.
"Hi-dee-hi, Cap'n an' Matee! Now yee'll have some real
grub!" and as he spoke he poured the pink and green mucousy sauce
overboard into their laps.
7
What happened next was quite ugly. First, the two men
immediately choked-up all the food they'd eaten within three
days. The mess and smell of vomit reacted with Karl's souflette
in a volatile chemistry, the result of which ate through the
men's clothes and continued eating right through the coral. The
sea water diluted the mixture some, but it was so potent that it
didn't slow the effects significantly. Withig six minutes the
men were floating in clear sea water, The coral completely
dissolved. The lethal sauce sunk to the sea bed where it
continued eating--and may this day be eating through to the
earth's very core. The two victims, meawhile, were startled into
consciousness. Karl threw dow a rope and hauled them aboard. It
was quite dark by then, and it took several minutes to find the
dwarf, another ten to revive him. When he came to he began to
tremble violently and kept mumbling something about mom's cooking
and stomach ulsers.
After they had recovered from their shock, three men and one
dwarf went over to the shore.
"We were beginning to get worried," said Pelegor. "What
kept you?"
Captain Marlowe told the story, and the crew listened in
awe, thankfull that it had not been any of them that were seduced
by these ruthless seafood connoisseurs. After he was done with
what he knew of the story, he asked Karl: "Karl, what was in that
pot, anyway?"
"Well," said the cook, "Porky told me that the only way to
save you guys was to cook something you would like better than
the food they was feeding you. So I made my specialty dish--
Salmon Souflette!"
"Yeth," said Fluppenstimme. "Lucky for uth Karl doethn't
know the deeffrenth betveen gute und rotten thalmon und eggth."
Everyone was silent for a moment. Captain Marlowe began to
wonder what the greatest enemy of this group was going to be.
Well, whatever it is, he thought, it's bound to turn up right
under our noses...
END PART TWO