twiss@stolaf.UUCP (Thomas S. Twiss) (04/20/84)
THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARLOWE TOXIN Installment #3: Nor Rhyme nor Reason, or A Nice Place to Visit... The Great Gate to the Dwarven caverns was immense. All twenty-three of the party stood on a large stone welcome mat before the doorway. The iron door itself was twenty feet wide and nearly thirty feet tall. There was a seam in the middle-- apparently it opened into two halves. All around the entrance was the thick cover of the forest. Even the path back to the shore was very narrow and barely visible in the dense foliage. The men stared with awe at this great portal. On its surface was carved a border all around the edge. In the center were various groupings of ancient runes in many tongues. Most of the messages on the door concerned trade rules and such. Some were illegible. Most were in languages unknown to anyone in the party, even Pelegor, the Wizard. "Do you know how to get it open, Porky?" Marlowe asked the scruffy Dwarf standing next to him. "Nope. Ee don' think tho," he said unsuredly. "How about you, Pelegor?" "I'm afraid not. Most of these runes are too ancient even for me to understand," said the Wizard. Marlowe turned to his men. "Any ideas, men?" he yelled out. There were a few whispers, and one old seaman farted, but no-one spoke up. So there they sat, unable to enter the Dwarven hall in Mt.Bresk. Suddenly Fluppenstimme jumped up. "Ee remeember!" he cried. "Eeth uh rhyme, uf courthe." Then he recited the rhyme: Thay the greeting in anthient tongue, Then trathe the letterth with thy bum. When you reech the shallow thpot, preth in: The opening protheth will begin. Pelegor immediately began to scan the door for the most ancient runes. But after many hours of deep concentration and scrutiny, he gave up. "I have not learned enough of the ancient runes which are no longer used. I am stumped." 2 At this the whole party was dismayed. Everyone sat on the ground and made sad faces and pouted. There were cries of "When do we get there?" and "I have to go potty!" But Fluppenstimme was not complaining; he was busy concentrating, trying to remember any little detail which he might have forgotten. Just then a man walked out of the woods via their path. As he stepped into the clearing he said: "Gorumba-gorumba Bali!" He was a medium-sized man, wearing only a loin cloth and a knife. He smiled amiably and seemed entirely unafraid of the large group of men on the ground before him, sucking their thumbs. He extended his right hand. Captain Marlowe stepped forward, extended his hand, and said, "Hello! Who are you?" The man shook Marlowe's hand and said, "Barra se tulu gara wan." But before any more dialogue could transpire, Fluppenstimme cried out, "Hay, Coptaine! Look!" Everyone turned to look at the dwarf. They saw a large, glowing symbol-rune on the door. "Umboola gualli! Umboola gualli!" said the man, but no one listened. "Hey, Wizard, get over there and start tracing!" barked Marlowe. A minute later Pelegor had found the depression and the doors were beginning to open. The jungle-man watched with horror, screamed something to Marlowe, then turned and ran back into the woods. The men lit torches and lanterns and entered the mountain. The doors closed behind them... Inside the gateway it was very dark. Even with the light of their torches and lanterns it took several minutes for their eyes to adjust. In the resulting confusion, several men were badly burned and one ran ahead screaming into the darkness. He was quickly silenced. Eventually, however, Captain Marlowe was able to get the men in order. "O.K. men, listen up!" His voice echoed back from the abyss. "Me and Pelegor are gonna be in front. Then Porky and Tok. Sandaken and Karl will bring up the rear. The rest of you get into two rows. Look around you so you know who's near you. We will all be dependent upon one another to survive down here. Above all, don't panic. As long as we stick together we can't get hurt. Also, keep open communication. We all need to rely on 3 each other. Oh, and if anyone has to go potty, do it now. We move out in five minutes." The men shuffled about, getting their things in order. Every sound seemed amplified. Marlowe sat in the darkness, thinking. He thought about the strange jungle-man who had greeted them outside. He thought about the Evil Symbol. Was it really worth it to travel so far from the harbor of Gildterdil? Was it really worth risking life, against great odds? He felt nature call and got up, wandering in the direction of a wall. How was it that he'd gotten so far into this mess? How could he be here, far, far, far, a long ways, from home? Ah, yes, Fluppenstimme...That was how he'd gotten on this miserable quest. In his mind, Marlowe pictured the scene at the bar in Gildterdil last month... "Eh, mon," said a little voice. "votch vot yer doin'!" Marlowe's daydream had been interrupted by tripping over Fluppenstimme who was seated on the floor of the Great Hall. "Whaddaya mean, 'Votch vot yer doin'? It's pitch black in here." "Huh? You can't thee in here?" "No! You mean to tell me you can?!" "U'courthe! All dwarfth can. It'th how we can mine in the darkneth," said Fluppenstimme. "Well, why didn't you tell me a long time ago? You'll be leadin' the way, shorty. Say, tell me what this room looks like," said Marlowe as he sat down on the floor next to Fluppenstimme and made himself more comfortable. Fluppenstimme looked around at the high ceiling and the walls at the far side of this great chamber. everything was ornately carved and covered with dwarvish runes and symbols. He noticed a hallway directly in front of the party. Thith mootht be an entranth hall uff thum thort, he thought. The hallway before them was the only passage out of the large room they were in, save the doorway through which they'd entered. The dwarf explained these observations to the Captain. After he was done, the Captain stood and said, "O.K. men, we're ready to move. One minor change: Porky'll be leading the way, since he can see in the dark. Tok, I want you to keep a map of the passages and rooms--in case we get lost. Now keep alert, and be ready to defend yourselves." Within a couple minutes the party was organized and heading towards the one hallway which lead from the chamber they were in. The only sound was the shuffling of feet and the dripping and 4 squeeking noises of the abyss which surrounded them. No one could see more than ten or eleven feet except Fluppenstimme. Dread seeped from the rock and hovered in the air around them. Each of them felt a need to escape. This place was simultaneously confining and exposing. The men felt choked, yet vulnerable. They passed out of the great chamber and into the hallway. The walls were black and slimy. They looked to have once been clean-carven, now eroded by moisture and years of untold wear. The passageway was at least fifteen feet wide and the ceiling high enough to accomodate the tallest of creatures. The dwarves had not been modest in designing their structures. Unfortunately for them, however, dragons tended to like their spacious sub- terranean condos, and more than a few times they were barbecued in their homes by the fiery beasts. The crew had walked a hundred yards or so when they entered another large hall. Fluppenstimme described it to the men: It eeth fery, fery beegk, with columnth und archeth. Thuh vallth are decorated weeth carfingkth und pothterth of der Dwarfkingk. Thuh far end of the hall ith a great platform, on top ith uh throne. Thith mutht be where the people who vanted to trade weeth der dwarfth came to thpeek weeth der Kingk. "Do you have any idea where this Golden Rule is gonna be?" asked Marlowe. "There eeth uh rhyme, uf courthe, ath with all dwarfen thingkth: "Weetheen the horde oaf anthient treathure Liethe the thacred Goldten Rule; Take heed! Do not thuccumb to pleathure Of the eye, nor greed, but thcool Thy appetite to that Which Timeless Tombs doth meathure; Watthingk alwayth fire cruel, Being careful not to drool." "What does that mean?" asked Marlowe. "I suggest we go to the back of the hall to see if there are any clues," replied Pelegor. Everyone seemed to think this was a fine idea, so they headed off across the great floor of this particularly great hall. No sooner had they begun to cross the great floor when Sandaken cried: "Hey, something just grabbed my shoes!" "Grabbed your shoes?!" yelled the Captain. "How can something grab your shoes when you're standing up?" 5 Just then, something grabbed Marlowe's shoes. "Quick, everyone!" cried Pelegor. "Bend over and hang on to your shoes! We're being attacked by shoeliebers!" Everyone did as they were told, but it was too late. The shoeliebers scurried about in the dark, slipping off the group's shoes right under their very toeses. Everyone's shoes were gone within seconds except for Fluppenstimme's, whose were taken off and quickly replaced. Then, as suddenly as they had come, they were gone, without a trace. The hall was silent, save the distant clip-clop sound of many feet in new shoes. "This hole truly is a place of evil," said Marlowe profoundly. The barefooted crew regrouped and continued across the floor. The platform was smooth-carven of fine stone, about two (shoeless) feet high. The throne, also wrought of stone, sat in the very center of the platform and was raised another three feet. On either side of the throne were great statues of dwarven heroes and famous kings. "What's that one?" asked Marlowe as he pointed to a large figure of a dwarf in tights with a long cape trailing behind. "Dot'th Vunderdwarf," said Fluppenstimme. "He vath an egthile from Clapton, a great land uf Vunderdwarfth which vath dethtroyed. He vath the only one to ethcape. Thadly, he vath killt ven a large piethe of Claptonite hit him on der noggin." "Hmm," said Marlowe in contemplation. "I wish we had national heroes like that." He looked around the King's throne with the rest of the men. "How does one go about finding the King's hoarderoom? Seems like that would be the plce to look for ancient treasure." "Veel, Ee theenk ve should thearth around thuh throne for a thecret button or thumthink." So, Marlowe, Fluppenstimme, Sandaken, Pelegor, and Tok all began searching around the throne and its base for some kind of key, button, or other item which might reveal to them the entrance to the King's hold. Some fifteen minutes went by and they were about to give up, when Sandaken yelled: "Hey, Captain, look here!" Everyone gathered around Sandaken as he pointed to what looked like a large leather skin filled with air which was resting on the seat of the throne. Marlowe picked it up and examined it. It was similar in construction to a water skin, except it didn't have a corked mouth. The front of the skin was dyed brown, as are most water skins, but the back was tan and had some lines drawn on it. 6 "It looks to be some sort of map," said Pelegor. "What do you make of it, Porky?" asked Marlowe. "Weel, thir, Ee believe thuh Vithard in thaying it hath a map on it. Ee em not thure of the purpothe of the thkin, though," he said. "Well," said the Captain. "I guess we'll just have to follow it and see where it leads us. It's the only clue we've got." So they regrouped once again and walked to the back of the chamber where they found an exit indicated on the map. Pelegor commented that it must be truly powerful magic which could preserve the glow of the red exit sign for so many millennia. "Yeth, or fery thtrong batterieth," said Fluppenstimme. The corridor which they entered was slightly smaller than the one they'd been in before, and sloped downward. Several of the men complained that the stone was cold and slimy on their bare feet, and they wanted to back to the ship. Besides, they said, we don't have any truly good leads, and we'll probably all die down here in pursuit of some Golden Rule which will only complete the first part of our whole journey in quest of the Evil Symbol of Great Powere. So What do you say to that? Marlowe reminded them that they'd be unimaginably wealthy if they did find all they'd set out to find. He reminded them of the glory and honor of heroic courage. He told them to remember how they would be immortalized in song and poem for their great endeavors. And besides, he said, you all crossed your hearts and hoped to die, stick a needle in your eye. And so, they plodded onward. They passed several side- passages, but followed the map to the third branch to the left, and down a winding stair. By now they were deep within the mountain. Suddenly, the stair ended at a wall. They were all cramped and becoming claustrophobic. There was no visible doorway or sign of a secret passage. "What do we do?" asked Marlowe. "The map indicates that we pass through this wall, but I do not know how we are supposed to do that. Let's look for secret buttons again." So Marlowe, Pelegor, and Fluppenstimme began to search. But it was in vain that they labored. After thirty minutes of fumbling in the dark, they had found nothing. The air was begining to get stifling, the men were nearly to the point of panic. 7 Suddenly Sandaken called from the rear, up the stairs: "Captain, I hear something coming from behind us!" "O.K., men, rear attack position! Pelegor, why don't you try some magic on this door? Fluppenstimme, do you have any ideas?" "Weel, Coptaine, mee father thed wunth--" But he was cut short by a rumbling from above. Pelegor had begun his spell, and the door was glowing. From up the stairway came the sound of clanging metal. Their situation seemed desperately lost. "Marlowe, I'm afraid my spell won't work," shouted the Wizard. "This wall is magically protected." "Curse it to hell!!!" shouted Marlowe, and he grabbed the mapskin from Fluppenstimme, threw it to the ground, and jumped on it violently. When he landed on it, the air within the skin was forced out through the opening and a deep, juicy, ripper of a fart noise reverberated up the stairway. For a moment, everything grew silent, and the wall before them turned dark blue. In a moment, everyone had passed through the magic portal, the attackers from the rear having fled, fearing the noxious gases promised by the terrible spectre of flatulence which escaped from the mapskin. The stone wall once more materialized as the dazed party found themselves in a small chamber, about twenty-five feet square. What could possibly happen next? Marlowe thought to himself as he regained his breath. What next indeed...? END PART THREE