allynh@ucbvax.ARPA (Allyn Hardyck) (07/10/85)
By popular demand, here's that list, from the April 21, 1984 Melody Maker. If you don't recognise a name, it's probably because it's a MM journalist (they like making self-references). 1 BRIAN WILSON ONE of pop's longest-running and best-loved fruitcakes, Bri was recently reported to be considering leaving his home for the first time this decade to record some demos. Don't bank on it, fans! So far, big Bri has failed to find a studio with a sand-box big enough to fit in. 2 ROKY ERICKSON HEAVILY tipped by experienced fruitcake-spotters as All-Time Ace Fruitcake, Roky's feats are legion, and in most cases unsurpassable. Roky once told a suspicious Tom Sheehan not to walk on the grass because he was killing it, then failed to identify the great lensman in a one-to-one social encounter only minutes later. Some say Roky taught Julian Cope everything he knows, though Erickson normally got by without the acid. 3 MICK MERCER CLOCKING in at number three, the Zelig-like Mercer can do things with syntax which most scientists don't even know exist. Mercer's tortured prose once caused Prof Irwin to cry "Mick Mercer is a genius!" Irwin went on "holiday" only hours later. 4 MICHAEL JACKSON THOUGH richer than most developed countries, Michael Jackson once caught fire on television. His astounding chart success is matched only by the slenderness of his grip on reality. Perhaps too wealthy to be a genuine fruitcake, Michael's penchant for bathing in Perrier water and holding involved conversations with inflatable rubber geese has nonetheless attracted considerable interest among cake-spotters. 5 NICK HEYWARD WELL-known for his attractive pop ditties, young Nicky's chief claim to fame here at the Maker Motel is his gift for astonishing rudeness to fellow pop-stars and innocent bystanders alike. 6 EDDIE VAN HALEN EDDIE remains a bit of a dark horse in these parts, though Steve Sutherland's recent historic meeting with the great axe-hero revealed many tell-tale symptoms of fruitcakedom - lack of sleep, inability to earn royalties from Michael Jackson, and an almost complete absence of knowledge about daytime Radio 1. Watch that man! 7 JULIAN COPE JULIAN has long been recognised as one of pop's most preposterous performers, though true fruitcakehood only came his way after (1) he cut himself in half onstage and (2) gave the NME an exclusive interview. 8 JOHN CALE THERE's still a bit of life left in the ageing Welsh crooner, and who can resist John's attractive blend of psychosis, gibbering paranoia and blind lust? A vintage fruitcake. 9 SYD BARRETT STILL mythic if a fraction over-publicised lately, Barrett put the icing on the fruitcake by inspiring Paul Weller to cash in his guitar for a Casiotone synth. 10 OZZY OSBOURNE QUITE apart from eating dead bats and urinating on The Alamo, Ozzy has picked up a substantial number of votes in the Mr Kipling Primaries by writing a ballad specifically for the purpose of hanging dwarves. A great British fruitcake.